Poughkeepsie Journal

Moms meet online, but really connect in person

By Rebecca Imperati
Sunday, May 8, 2005

Karl Rabe/Poughkeepsie Journal
Scarlett Birney of Fishkill with her 6-month-old son, Eliot Birney, left, talks with Catherine Brenneman, with her 5-month-old son, Wyatt, Brenneman during a mothers group meeting Tuesday at Community Baptist Church in Wappingers Falls.

When Ivana Powers moved to Millbrook from Oregon with her family last year, she found the winter depressing and living in the country isolating. She was hoping to find other mothers in the area who might want to start a playgroup.

But instead of heading to a local park, she hopped online.

At the same time, another stay-at-home mother, Meridith Ferber, was having a similar experience. Having just moved to Rhinebeck from New York City, Ferber also turned to the Internet to find a mothers group and decided to start one of her own. She saw Powers' ad and invited her to join.

"Talk about good timing," Powers said. "... Missing my old friends, isolation of living in the country, and the kids were relying on me for their entertainment, this group is helping me take an interest in the Dutchess County community, giving a social foundation for my kids, and most importantly making friends for me."

For mothers who decide to stay home to raise their children, it usually means a drastic lifestyle change. No more contact with co-workers at the office. No one home next door during the day.

It used to be mothers had other moms in the neighborhood to look to for support and company during the day. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1976, only 31 percent of mothers with infant children were in the labor force.

While the numbers have dropped slightly, from 59 percent of mothers with infant children in the work force in 1998 to 55 percent in 2002, it can still be a challenge for stay-at-home moms to connect.

Enter the new age of mothers groups. They still offer the essentials — support and interaction. But women use the Internet to find each other and to stay connected. They have someone to handle their public relations. And they are available for one another online pretty much any time of day.

Ferber started her mothers group, the Poughkeepsie Area Stay-at-Home Moms, through a Web page called Meetup.com.

After moving to a new area and staying home to raise her son, Ryan, who was 18 months old, she stumbled onto Meetup.com while doing a Web search.

"I was desperate to find activities and a playgroup in the area for Ryan," Ferber said. "I think I typed in 'stay-at-home moms, Poughkeepsie, NY' and Meetup.com came up. There were several Poughkeepsie moms groups and none of them had an organizer at the time."

So, Ferber decided to sign up for the task.

"Who knew. What began as a group of moms is now a group of friends," Ferber said.

Founded in 2002, Meetup.com is a Web site that provides a forum for members to discuss various topics. While the site has more than 1 million members who meet to discuss 1,000 different topics, mothers top the list.

"Mothers groups are our largest, most active category, especially stay-at-home mothers," Meetup spokesperson Allyson Leonard said.

Support and friendship

The stay-at-home mothers group started with 35 members, and has grown to 65. Most are stay-at-home mothers, but some work from home or part time. Ninety percent are new residents to Dutchess, and they also have members from Ulster County and Connecticut.

The group fills its calendar with monthly potluck breakfasts at the Community Baptist Church in Wappingers Falls, play dates at parks, and moms' night out. They also get involved in the community, participating in events such as the March of Dimes Walk last week.

Members say the group helps break up otherwise long and monotonous days.

"It's like a support group and a way to make friends," said member Karen Behan, who has a 4-year-old daughter, Carli, and a 1-year-old son, Ryan.

Having someone to talk to can be very important, said Crystal Carolan, playgroup coordinator for the Northern Dutchess Hospital Playgroup, where 90 percent of the participants are stay-at-home parents. There are a lot of mixed feelings that parents, especially mothers, experience when they have children and playgroups help them cope.

"I think the isolation is a big thing," said Carolan, who is also a mother of two children and was a member of the group before working for the hospital. "I think just the comfort and knowing that other people are going through the same sleep deprivation, the same situations with feeding the baby — and I think just being able to get out and see other adults is one of the biggest things."

Mothers groups are also going beyond the morning playdate or afternoon picnic. Meetup.com provides a message board as part of its Web page, allowing mothers to stay in touch with one another nearly any time, posting questions about everything from finding a new doctor or restaurant to advice about parenting.

Crissy Muratore of Wappingers Falls, a member of Ferber's group, has her computer in her kitchen and said she hops online in between doing stuff with the kids, cleaning or cooking, to check if there is a good question posted or answers others have given to questions.

"We often have a "venting" thread going, where usually someone starts by telling us all a specific, ongoing problem they have that frustrates them," Muratore said. "Often, just hearing back from others that have similar problems or solutions to them makes the one who posted the "vent" feel better."

The online connection also eases the awkwardness of having to introduce yourself to strangers, said Muratore, who works part-time from home and has two children, because members are able to get to know each other better online.

"It has added to the closeness of the group because you feel like you get to know people before even meeting them in person, and ... you don't get a lot of time to have a lengthy conversation with other moms, especially at a particularly active event, because you need to watch your kids."

With kids, and without

Karl Rabe/Poughkeepsie Journal
Scarlett Birney of Fishkill, left, plays with her 6-month-old son, Eliot, during a meeting Tuesday of the Poughkeepsie Area Stay-at-Home Mothers Group at Community Baptist Church in Wappingers Falls. At right is Meridith Ferber of Rhinebeck, who organized the mothers group, with her 22-month-old son, Ryan Ferber.

Town of Poughkeepsie resident Melissa Palestro first read about Meetup.com from a parenting magazine last summer. She is a member of a different group, the Poughkeepsie Area Moms Meetup Group. Members of this group include not only stay-at-home mothers, but those who work part time and from home as well.

"We have a lot of events on the weekends and at night so we can accommodate the working moms," said Palestro, who works from home and has a 21-month-old daughter, Megan.

Palestro is the public relations coordinator for the group. The women wanted to promote their organization on Meetup.com and local media, and needed someone to put together press releases. Palestro, who works for a publishing company, was a natural.

She said the group has taken away any feelings of isolation she may have been experiencing and helped her make "mom friends."

"It's nice to know that there are people out there in my situation," she said. "It's nice to be able to share stories about the kids and personal stories."

Resources

# The Poughkeepsie Area Stay-at-Home Moms Meetup group: A group for stay-at-home moms in the Poughkeepsie area who are interested in introducing children to other kids in the area. Range of activities is planned each month. Information: http://sahm.meetup.com/222 or e-mail sahm@earthlink.net

# The Poughkeepsie Moms Meetup group gathers the first Tuesday of the month at 10:30 a.m. at Kids Kingdom Play Center, 36 Fireman's Way, Poughkeepsie. Cost is $6 per child for members. The group comprises working and stay-at-home moms looking to leave behind the housework and family worries to come together with other moms with and without the kids. There are play dates, trips to the park and family dinners with the kids as well as mom's-night-out events. For information, or to join the group, visit http://moms.meetup.com/30 or contact Jennifer Adams at PoughkeepsieMoms@aol.com.

# Infant &. Pre-School Support Play Group for Parents meets from 10 a.m.-noon Thursdays at Northern Dutchess Hospital in Rhinebeck. Informal support/play group for parents and their children. Held in the hospital's cafeteria conference room. $3 per session. Registration not required. Call 845-871-3500 for information.

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