Green Bay Press Gazette

Group offers motherly comfort
By Lee Reinsch
May 8, 2005

Motherless Daughters meets to share, pay homage to lost parents

On Mother's Day, people honor their mothers with flowers and candy.
But what if mom's deceased?

For those who miss their mothers, the absence is like a gaping hole, particularly on that special Sunday in May set aside for moms.

"If you are a motherless daughter, you think you are the only one,"
said Liz Edge, founder of a local chapter of a support group whose aim is to provide the motherly comfort lost when a mother dies.

Edge and her group, Motherless Daughters, held a ceremony and balloon launch in honor of their mothers on Saturday in a synchronized event with other chapters around the world in different time zones. This year's local event was at Green Isle Park in Allouez.

The international support group gets its name from the 1994 book "Motherless Daughters: A Legacy of Loss" by Hope Edelman. Some 132 chapters exist in seven countries, with a membership of 1,318.

The members of Motherless Daughters meet monthly to share, pay homage to their mothers and sometimes even grumble.

"We say things like 'I can't believe (so-and-so) complains about having to take her mom grocery shopping when we are like, I would love to take my mother grocery shopping,'" Laurie Lasee of De Pere said.

Lasee was 7 when her mother died of a stroke at age 43. Edge was 26, with two toddlers, when her mother passed away. Another member of the group was in her late 30s when she lost her mother. It doesn't matter how old or how young you were when your mother died, it's still a loss, Edge said.

"It makes you grow up really fast; you don't have that bond to fall back on," Edge said.

These daughters fumbled around, feeling lost for the next couple decades. Every time Edge heard other women mention their mothers -- going to lunch with them, visiting them, grandmothering their children, baking Christmas cookies with them -- she felt an ache.

"I was hurting inside. There was this huge void," she said.

Stacie Herzog, licensed clinical social worker and director of outpatient services at Bellin Psychiatric Center, 301 E. St. Joseph St., Allouez, said talking over situations with others who can relate is a healthy thing to do.

"It's good for you; it decreases stress and anxiety," Herzog said.
"It gives you positive energy to go move forward with what your goals are."

A few years ago, Edge stumbled upon Edelman's book and set out to start a local chapter.

"It helped me a lot to know I wasn't alone," Edge said.

Meetings often revolve around a topic related to mother loss.

"Right now, we're talking about how our kids are the age we were when we lost our moms," Lasee said.

In the 1950s, when Sue Taivaloja's mother died, people told her and her two siblings to "keep your chin up, kid, and it'll be OK."

"But it's never really fine," said Taivaloja, of Allouez.

Lasee said she felt depressed after her children were born, because she couldn't ask her mother if she was being a good mom.

"No one played the role for me," she said, adding that she didn't cope very well.

"When I found the group, it was like this is what's been bothering me all these years," Lasee said.

Lasee said the group has helped her to not feel alone anymore.

"I can ask these guys anything; girl stuff, mom stuff. They are like my mom," she said.

Taivaloja said it feels good to finally have an outlet in which to celebrate her mother's life.

"For years we never celebrated Mother's Day for our mothers,"
Taivaloja said. "I was a mother and had a mother-in-law. It's a sad thing on Mother's Day to not have your mother."

To get involved

The local chapter of Motherless Daughters group welcomes new members.
Anyone who has lost their mother, no matter when, is invited to join the group. The group meets monthly at a different location for conversation and sharing. To get involved, call Liz Edge at (920) 432-3275.

On the Net

* www.geocities.com/mother lessdaughtersonline

* motherlessdaug .meetup.com/

* www.journeyofhearts.org/ jofh/kirstimd/momless.htm

* www.supportpath.com/ (offers online support groups for a variety of
situations)

For teens:

* www.rainbows.org/rainbows.html

Books by Hope Edelman

* "Motherless Daughters: A Legacy of Loss" (1994)

* "Letters from Motherless Daughters" (1995)

* "Mother of My Mother" (1999)

* "Motherless Mothers" (currently in progress; to be published by HarperCollins in this fall, according to Edelman's Web site at www .hopeedelman.com)

Support groups help

Stacie Herzog, licensed clinical social worker and director of outpatient services at Bellin Psychiatric Center, 301 E. St. Joseph St., Allouez, said support groups are helpful for three reasons:

1. "You get an opportunity to hear someone else's viewpoint of how they cope with a situation that is similar to your own."

2. "Group members are empowered because they learn there are other people like them; that people do recover."

3. "They help others attending the group, because they get to hear their perspective. Sometimes people say, 'I don't need to go to a support group; I'm fine,' but they are actually helping someone else because they show that they are coping in a positive way."

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